School Anxiety: How Parents Can Help

Lynn Smith: When kids enter school aged years, you reach a new stage of parenthood. As fun as it can be to shop for first day of school outfits and the latest school supplies, it's also the dawn of a new season of parenting, one in which they'll face challenges you won't be there to see. And maybe most challenging for us, we can't fix for them. As parents, you want to say and do the right things to set them up for success. Our goal with this episode is to help set you up for success, to help kids cope with anxiety stemming from social and academic pressures in school. Today, I'm joined by

Jody Baumstein, a licensed mental health therapist from the Children's Strong4Life team.

In the early days of this podcast, Jodi joined us for an episode that tackled the broad topic of anxiety. Our listeners let us know you were thirsty for more, especially as it relates to school. Jody, I've been so looking forward to this conversation. It happens every year as parents. We're counting down the days until kids return to school, and we can't wait to get back into our family routine. Then, bam. The kids go back and you realize it's not really the same routine you left just months ago. In some ways, you feel like you're starting from scratch. Maybe your child didn't get the teacher they wanted, or their friends are in a different class, or kids who always love school are now begging to stay home. It can be tough on them and also tough on us as parents. So where do we start with this?

Jody Baumstein: I think a great starting point is to acknowledge first what's coming up for you. My child is struggling. Maybe, maybe not. But my child is going through a transition, and this is hard. It's hard for me. It's hard for them.

Lynn Smith: Once we acknowledge that this is challenging for all of us, where do we begin? How do we start getting them ready for this new dynamic that they might be facing in school?

Jody Baumstein: There's a lot we can do to prepare them. One of the things that's helpful is to realize the way we're coming at it; what's our mindset? Acknowledge that I want to sometimes save my child from things that are uncomfortable. I'm seeing them get a little nervous, and my instinct might be to swoop in and save, protect. Sit with that for a minute and think about the long term. Do I want them to become an adult who is able manage these kinds of emotions, because this is going to come up? They're going to feel anxiety. They're going to have lots of transitions in life, new jobs, new relationships, all kinds of things. I have got to give them the skill set to be able to tolerate that when they're older. We need to really step back and think, “my job is not to save. My job is to help them through this.” Whatever your child is experiencing, because it's going to be different for each one, let's sit with them in that experience, not try to save them from it. Validate that experience. “I get it. It makes sense. It's normal that you feel that way instead of, you'll be fine, it's okay.”

Lynn Smith: Every kid goes through this. You do it every year. You go back to school. Acknowledgement is what I'm hearing. Acknowledging their emotions.

Jody Baumstein: We can't expect a child to tolerate something that we ourselves can't tolerate. If big feelings come up and we just try to gloss over them, they are going to learn to do the same thing.

Lynn Smith: That's such a great point. Some parents might worry. Having some conversations might put unnecessary worry in their minds. My 5 year old is starting kindergarten. This is a really big change, and none of his friends from his pre-k are going to his school. They're all going to different schools. Not only is he starting big boy school, but he doesn't know anyone. I don't want to call too much attention to that. He hasn't said that he's worried about it. Maybe, as you point out, I'm more worried than he is. Are those the type of conversations we should be having, or do we wait for them to give us cues?

Jody Baumstein: I love this question. Don't wait. We don't want to assume just because they're not talking about it, they're not thinking about it. Here's the tricky part. We don't want to lead them in some way. We don't want to say, “Hey, you're going to this new school. You don't know anybody. Are you nervous?” Now they might think that they have to be nervous, or they might start thinking that you're nervous. The best way to do this is really to get into it with a very open question that doesn't trap you or lead them. “You're going to school. How are you feeling about that?” That's it. If we don't bring up conversations, what we're telling kids is I'm maybe not comfortable myself. When we engage them in conversation, not only are we giving them space to talk about it and name their feelings, we're doing something much bigger, which is showing them, I can handle this. Whatever you are about to throw at me, I can tolerate it. That gives them a sense of ease and confidence to share more.

Lynn Smith: What are some other ways to start these conversations because it might not be starting a new school?

Jody Baumstein: Sometimes it's less threatening to talk about other people. If you've got good books about this, books are fantastic. If your child's young, play is amazing. If you are playing a game of horse or you're in the car, a car ride is a great time for a conversation. It can be a lot less threatening. You know, you're just having a good time. Weave it into play. If you're playing Candyland and you land on a blue. Blue means we talk about something that we're nervous about. You just make it part of the routine so it's not so threatening.

Lynn Smith: What about some of the children that don't have as easy of a time talking about feelings? I have an older one that has really big feelings and knows how to articulate them, which is great. And then my other is kind of happy go lucky and never is like, “Hey, mom, I'm feeling uncertain about something.” It's like you have to adapt. What about those kids that maybe struggle with putting some words to their feelings?

Jody Baumstein: I like to remember we are not born with these skills. I think it helps us to see it that way. This is a skill deficit just like anything else. What do we have to do? We have to teach. If they are not articulating it, it probably means they don't have the language for it. The tricky part is we can't heal what we can't name, so we have to give them the words. A lot of kids are familiar with the basics, happy, mad, sad. But what we want to do is really expand this feeling's vocabulary, so they have the language to be able to articulate that exact experience. And one of my favorite ways to do this is an “I wonder” statement.

Here's what you do. Observe. ”I noticed that you were having a really hard time with that. I wonder if you were feeling frustrated when you couldn't figure it out. What do you think?” What you're doing there is teaching them a new word. You're building that vocabulary, showing them, I'm interested and I care. You're also giving them the chance to tune in and check. Maybe they'll say, “No. Actually, I'm really annoyed because earlier in the day, you told me you were going to do this, and you didn't do it.” Great. Now we've just opened up a dialogue, but you're still building that feelings vocabulary.

Lynn Smith: Sometimes our feelings manifest, especially in children physically, not necessarily emotionally. They might get a tummy ache, or they might seem more tired because they're feeling anxious. How do we identify that and maybe associate that with some nerves?

Jody Baumstein: The first part is to let them know you believe them. A lot of times when this comes up, we dismiss it. It can come from a good place. Sometimes we're just like, “I don't want you to feel this. You know, you're fine. You're fine. You're just nervous.” What we are doing in those moments is telling them, “Your feelings are wrong. Don't listen to them. Don't listen to your body.” They will become adults who override those feelings. It's really, really important that in these moments, we say, “I believe you, and that is real for you.” Because guess what? It is. We know because we experience this, too. That feeling is real. Now, of course, we're going to first rule out if there's a real medical concern if they're constantly getting these stomach aches. But once we've done that, we let them know it's real. We want them to trust themselves. Now is the opportunity to teach this mind body connection, and we have to really normalize it. Take it beyond just what they're experiencing. “Hey, when we have big emotions, they show up in our bodies.   Have you noticed when you get really mad, your cheeks feel hot? Your muscles feel tense? Did you notice when we're nervous, it might be hard to swallow, you might feel tightness in your chest? That happens to me, too.” What we're teaching them is this connection between what we feel and what's actually happening in the body, which is super empowering. It helps them to feel more in control once they have language for that, because it can feel scary and out of control unless we know what's going on.

Lynn Smith: Something that's really resonating is we are the mirror. If we are feeling anxious about it, and we are not saying anything, we're giving off that vibe to pick up on it. When we feel anxious, we might go down that sort of mind spiral. It's kind of like when you start a new job, you're thinking of all the scenarios that can go wrong that first day, and you're worried. How do we make sure that we're not projecting that onto our kids?

Jody Baumstein: The first part is to be aware of that. A lot of times, we're not aware that this stuff is seeping out of us. We're not going to be aware if we are running constantly at a 90 or 100. We're just not. If we're super heightened, we do not have the part of our brain that we need to bring this into our awareness and slow down and make meaning of it all. It requires a little bit of intentionality with slowing down and taking a second to notice, “I am a little bit uncomfortable. I'm a little bit nervous, and this is seeping out at me.” Maybe I'm being short with my spouse. Maybe I am over explaining things to the kids even though they don't seem concerned. We have to be aware of it and then check it if it's already seeped out. A beautiful thing we can do is kind of use our real-life experiences to teach kids, and we can show them and walk it back and say, “You know what I realized earlier today? I was really nervous about that. And when I get nervous, my brain starts to spiral into the what ifs and unknowns. That's why I was doing that."

Lynn Smith: We almost need to teach our children by explaining it can happen to us. How do we teach our kids to help themselves when that anxiety takes over?

Jody Baumstein: It's helpful to name it always. Dan Siegel always talks about that. Name it to tame it. Once we know what we're dealing with, it's a lot easier to figure out what we need. There's a lot of self-compassion when it comes to this. It's realizing that we are all imperfect, and that part of the human experience is having emotions. The emotion is not the problem. It's what we do with it. We see this all the time. We can tolerate the emotion. It's what we do next. That's the problem. When we start to judge it and blame ourselves and shame ourselves, that is so deeply painful. That's what causes the suffering. We can help kids by practicing this ourselves. “I'm feeling some anxiety. That makes sense. I'm having a normal response to what's going on. It's normal to feel a little nervous about something new and unfamiliar.” We’ve got to stop shaming ourselves for having normal responses to these things.

Lynn Smith: At Strong4Life, you emphasize the importance of developing a family routine and sticking to it. Can you share where we can get some resources on how to create those routines and how to make the most of them?

Jody Baumstein: Strong4Life.com has all kinds of free resources. We have articles, handouts and videos that parents can access. It makes it a little bit more manageable. Think about easy things you can incorporate that create a sense of predictability and comfort, because that's what routines are about. When the brain knows what to expect, it feels calm, feels soothed.

When things are in flux, as they most of the time are, there's a lot of unpredictability in our world and in our environment. We feel kind of heightened and on edge. We can't really think clearly. We're a little bit irritable. We might be short. We might even experience some tension or pain in our bodies. Something as simple as a routine lets the brain take a break. That's the way I like to think about it. It's something to hold on to, even when everything else is shifting and changing. This is something that I come to expect, and it creates a sense of comfort and security. And not just for adults, but kids. We want to feel safe in the world. When things are shifting and changing around us, a simple routine can really be grounding.

Lynn Smith: Strong4Life posted on Instagram some tips on some of the things we can do to prepare to get back into routines. We're really struggling with this over here. It's summertime, so everyone's staying up until 10 p.m. and sleeping in until 9 a.m. Can you give us some strategies for how to get our kids back into the routine of school?

Jody Baumstein: inching your way back is always helpful. A lot of times we wait, and then there's panic. Everybody is super heightened and escalated, and we're going to go into day one pretty revved up. Inching our way back is going to be helpful. Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail because we're trying to do way too much. So simplify here. Pick one thing to focus on. If bedtime's really gotten out of hand, let's inch it back 15 minutes each day until we're closer.

Another thing you can think about is what's the purpose of the routine? What's the intention here? One of my absolute favorite routines is thinking about communication. Once school hits, a lot of families say, “I don't know what's going on with my kids. We never have time to talk. There's activities and homework.” What can we do to create a routine that allows us to stay connected? It can be the “High Low” game at the end of the day, or Rosebud Thorn. That's where they identify something really great that happened or something that was not so great, something that was hard. What I love about these in particular is that it also gives us this added benefit where we're helping kids hold more than one thing at a time when we talk in that conversation about this was really fun today. This was hard. I'm looking forward to this. We're helping them see how complex we all are. We don't normally feel one thing, we feel a lot of things, and we can experience that all at the same time.

The other thing with routines is protecting sleep. This has got to be one of the number one things and what gets in the way of it. A lot of times it’s screens. Think about how we can come in and really be strategic and intentional with this as we go into the school year. Shut down the screens at least 60 minutes before bed. Leave them out of the bedroom at night because we notice that’s having a huge impact on the amount of sleep kids are getting and also the quality.

Lynn Smith: During the summertime we're on screens more. Today our babysitter canceled, and I have to work. We have a show on right now in the background. We have to figure out because we don't have the reliance that we have with school schedules. What are some strategies for breaking routines that weren't as healthy during the summer? We need to get them back on track. So how can we communicate to our kids that this is going to change?

Jody Baumstein: Be honest with them and remember that even if they need it, it doesn't mean they're going to ask for it or like it or want it, and that's okay. Our job is not to make them happy. Our job is to care for their health and well-being. We can do that in a loving and compassionate way. We can explain it. We can also focus on what we gain because when we're changing things up or we're setting limits, the natural instinct is to focus on the loss. Talk about what you gain. When we restrict screen time, set some limits on it so we can sleep better. Look what happens. Our mood improves, we're able to focus. We're less cranky and irritable. When you talk about this stuff, they might not get it at first, but eventually it will seep in, and they'll start to understand this connection between what we do and how we feel.

Lynn Smith: There might be some anxiety around school being hard. Children know they're going back to work hard, and that that can be overwhelming. Is there a way we can take some of the pressure off?

Jody Baumstein: There are a lot of things here. We want to be mindful. We can want our kids to do well, but we can't set the expectations so high that they can't ever reach it. A great thing is to focus on effort instead of outcome. This is a hard one for us because culturally, we don't love this, but this is hard for kids. Instead of focusing on, “I'm so proud when you get all A's,” say, “I'm really proud of how hard you're working.” It's just such a big difference. That language really seeps in. If they think you're just focused on the outcome, that's what they will be focused on, and it will cause anxiety. We want them to start to tune in to how it feels to put in effort and accomplish things rather than just being fixated on this thing that I get, because then it's never enough. They'll get the promotion. They'll get the raise. They will never feel good enough.

This is also important when it comes to praise. Sometimes kids are constantly looking outward, “Let me know I'm good. Tell me I'm good.” We want to use the opportunity to teach them to go inward. Instead of quickly saying, “You're so great. You're doing wonderful,” even though we want to, say, “How does it feel when you accomplish that? How did that feel for you?” We want to change that feedback loop. Instead of them seeking that external validation to feel a little hint of self-esteem, reward their value. Teach them to validate and reassure themselves.

With our language we also want to help them separate who they are from what they do. Some kids get super focused on academics, and if they're constantly getting feedback from teachers and caregivers that they're a top student, it starts to become their identity. Then, it feels like a major threat. We might look at that and say, it's not a big deal, but if that's their whole world, that's their identity, it feels incredibly threatening. There's a lot of pressure. Make sure we're not adding to this by saying things like, “This is my youngest. She's my best student.” No, it's just academics are a part of you. It's not all of you. And in our day-to-day conversations, make sure we have balance. We're not only focused on giving attention when they come home with a good grade, but we talk about their other interests and encourage them to explore other hobbies, as well.

Lynn Smith: What about those listening that have children that have really big feelings, big reactions? These transitions can hit those kids hard. This is going to be the first year for my oldest that his little brother is going to be at his school. We're at a tough sibling rivalry age. I'm hearing a lot of, “I don't want to go to that school anymore. I want to go to a different school because I don't want to be at the same school as my brother.” This is a really big transition for him, and he's really struggling. He's brought it up a number of times this summer. How do we validate and address that particular situation or any situation where kids are saying, “I'm really worried about this transition?”

Jody Baumstein: First of all, it's great that he feels comfortable saying that to you. So, well done

Lynn Smith: I don't know what to say back, though. That's the hard part.

Jody Baumstein: That's okay. You've already done the hard part, which is creating the safety for him to feel comfortable sharing. That's beautiful. The next thing we want to do is remember my job is not to fix this. My job is to help him through this because he's going to experience things like this. What do I need to do? Walk him through this process. Name it, express it, regulate it.

Name that experience, whatever it is. He's identified the feeling. He's expressed it to you in some way. Now we figure out what we do with it. This is the sweet spot that we all are striving for but don't always know. We don't want to just get stuck in the feelings and feel like we're consumed by them and trapped. We also don't want to gloss over them and go into problem solving mode. We need to know what it is. Experience it, and then do something about it.

With him, it's helping him figure out the options. Is it shifting the way we're thinking about it? There's a lot we can do there. Is it doing something behaviorally to shift our mood and our mindset? It's teaching him skills that he can then use to deal with the emotion.

Lynn Smith: Sort of describe, “I hear what you're saying. You're worried that your brother's going to be at school with you. Now, what can we do to help you because we don't have an option of going to another school. What can we do to help you manage those feelings?”

Jody Baumstein: Right. There's another part here. If it's not super clear, we have to dig deeper. We look on the surface, and we think he doesn't want to go to the same school as his brother. Why?  What is the meaning he's making about this? This happens in a split second in our brain. Something triggers us. We have an emotional response, and then we make meaning of it. This is hard, but helping him to understand what's actually happening in the brain is going to be a critical first step. Just because we think something doesn't mean it's true. We get lost on our thoughts all the time. If there's a thought, “If my brother comes, I won't be as important. If my brother is there, I won't be seen.” We have to get to what that is because that's what drives our feelings and behavior.

Sometimes we swoop in and think it’s simple. But, if we don't understand the meaning, we can't really help them figure out what it is that they need. This is a good opportunity to teach a little bit about the brain. There are millions of thoughts that are swirling around in our brain every single day. We’ve got to slow it down and notice what they are and realize thoughts are not facts. Sometimes they get a little bit tricky and distorted. This is a cool opportunity, even when kids are young, to teach them about this. Sometimes our brains spiral, and they think about the worst-case scenario, or they think it's all or nothing. We have an option here to do something about it. We can identify the thought and challenge it. Is there any evidence that this thing will happen that I'm so worried about? And then we reframe the thought to be more helpful. We have to know what the thought is first. So maybe breaking it down in that way.

Lynn Smith: So helpful. Lastly, what about parents that feel stuck and they don't know where to turn?

Jody Baumstein: I encourage people to reach out to a licensed professional. A lot of times there's fear around this. You feel like you are committing to something you're not. Most professionals offer a free consultation. You can call and explain the situation and see if you want to try a session. You can also start with your child's pediatrician because a lot of times they have great referral options for you. Also, don't forget the school has resources; the counselor, social worker, talk to them. They can't help if they don't know what's going on, so chat with them about your because they might be able to offer some support.

Remember that regardless of what your child is experiencing now, things are constantly in motion and fluid and changing and evolving. Keep the conversation going with your child so that they know you're a safe place. They can come to you at any point. Make sure that you continue to teach strategies for how to cope because we know that these emotions don't just go away. They only get more complex as we get older. Teach them in-the-moment strategies like deep breathing and stuff that's regulating. Also, prioritize those maintenance strategies like getting the good quality sleep, physical activity, being connected to other people.

Lynn Smith: And with that, our third season of this podcast is officially underway. For more raising resilience resources from the Children's Strong4Life team, visit choa.org podcasts. We're going to link a wealth of resources that are of designed to help teach kids how to cope with challenges and manage stress. For more tips for helping kids cope with anxiety, you can look for episode three from season one. It's right there in our podcast library.

I'm Lynn Smith and this has been Hope and Will, a parenting podcast from Children's Healthcare of Atlanta.

This podcast is for general informational and educational purposes only. It is not to be considered medical advice for any particular patient. Clinicians must rely on their own informed clinical judgments when making recommendations for their patients. Patients in need of medical or behavioral advice should consult their family healthcare providers.